My Testimony 

"THE SCHOLAR"  

 

From failing the 8th grade to graduating as the valedictorian of my college class with a 3.97 Cumulative GPA, (I made 1 "B+" my whole 4 years) pretty impressive some would say. However, what most don't know is the basis of my academic success. I had been living with the fear of failure since I failed the 8th grade due to a standardized exam. It turned me into an obsessed perfectionist who took more pride in getting "The A"  instead of seeking & soaking in the knowledge.  

 

From that moment on Failure, was not an option in my book. I completed high school with honors and set the goal to graduate college with all A's. Everything began to be obtained out of the fear of failure. Sure it's normal not to want to flunk of out college but at the expense of gaining true understanding?... Nah! Don't get me wrong, I did learn ALOT, but I was more so consumed with these thoughts: 

 

Bad/mediocre grades= Bad career options,=no financial stability, =no acceptance in the world= FAILURE!!  

 

My academic accomplishments & stress doubled when I decided to pursue my Master's degree. This is when the tables turned! Graduate school is where I truly learned & grew as a student. My professors were not just seeking the answer, instead they wanted to understand how you came to YOUR own conclusion, while utilizing various research to support your claims. It was an awesome experience! I put blood, sweat, & tears into that Masters Degree! However, I still placed myself under the pressure to succeed academically & pushed myself to finish a year earlier. I don't regret going to grad school, but again my decision was solely based on my fear of failure. I thought, "I can't get a job with a Bachelor's degree so I NEED a higher level degree to be accepted/qualify in today's society."  My identity at that time was completely wrapped in academic success, fueled by fear. I never considered what another degree would cost me financially or if it would contribute to God's plans for my life.  

 

UNGODLY COMFORT  

 

I had my first heartbreak at 22 and had finally decided to date seriously again at around 24. So I entered into a new relationship blindly. It started off physical & ended up being built on physicality alone. We had No emotional connection whatsoever! I eventually began to get lust & love confused and stayed in the relationship because it was "comfortable". I had Settled! I began to lose myself, My Identity was wrapped around me having a relationship. I feared being alone even if that meant being unhappy or happy only most of the time. Eventually I was completely lost, an emotional wreck, and hopeless about the possibility of finding true love. I didn’t realize that I had been practicing the same dating patterns from my past, and that I was trying to fill a void that could not be filled by a man or anyone for that matter. That lead me right back to an endless cycle of continuous heartache and disappointments.  

  

BROKEN CHAINS  

​

Each year my church participates in a corporate fast for the 1st 21 days of January to kick off the new year. Year 2015, I decided I would take this year's fast very seriously. During my alone time with God I began to read his Word for myself. Things were jumping off the page especially how God felt about sexual immorality. I mean I'd be lying if I said I didn’t know premarital sex was a sin before reading it... But this time, it felt like the words sank deep into my heart. The scriptures were like a mirror, they called me out! & I couldn’t deny my wrongs any longer. I remember feeling so full of guilt & shame... I cried out to God and told him I wanted to change, but that I'd need his help.  

 

After the fast I explained my change of heart to my boyfriend, he seemed understanding at the time but eventually it was revealed that we were on two separate pages. Over the next few months my desire to grow in God immersed. I actually took what I was learning in church and applied it to my life. On March 1, 2015 I fully surrendered my life to Christ and decide to demonstrate my heart change through water baptism. After that day, I've never been the same. That day I received Grace, all of my past was washed away, I was born again & I obtained the Holy Spirit. I felt so renewed! so free! But man what I didn’t know was that was only the beginning... I was in  for a long ride. By then I had ended my relationship and decide I would pursue God further, I felt Him pulling me forward so I didn’t look back.   

 

ROCK BOTTOM/WAKE UP CALL   

 

This may sound strange, but pain, loss, and disappointment is how I came to know who God truly was. I thought I had knew him all along, man was I wrong! See you can't really know somebody you've had no experience with. I grew up in church, so God wasn’t someone that had never been introduced. I colored pictures of this Jesus guy in Sunday school, I sang in the choir, and even praise danced. Because my mother was so God fearing,"Church" became something I had to do, and she wasn’t having it no other way! As I grew older, church just became a hobby. Something to check off my list at the end of the week and after hearing the church service, I'd resume life as I knew it. Before my heart change, I truly considered myself a "Christian" because I attended church, I prayed every now and then, and I believed there was a God and everything else I had been told as a child. But there was so much more I was missing, I had never really gotten to know Him & I certainly wasn’t living like I knew Him at all. But God took the time to re-introduce Himself in ways I would never have imagined and I'm grateful.  

 

The rest of 2015 was full of ups & downs. God revealed all the issues of my heart from unforgiveness, fear, doubt, PRIDE, my lack of love, my self-righteousness, and soooo much more! But through the mist of all of the pain, I also gained the understanding of God's character. That He's truly for me and not against me. I began to realize that I had been the cause of the destruction and confusion in my own life simply because I refused His instruction and lacked wisdom... and once I came to understand how much He loved me & desired a Relationship with me (not some meticulous religious play-by-play) I was overjoyed & excited to dive deeper into knowing more about Him & what he created me for.  

 

IDENTITY RENEWED  

 

Through the storm, God helped me come to the understanding that my education, my career, job, relationships, my academic success, my sorority, money & material things, and titles, ARE NOT where my identity lies. Since I had fully accepted Him, I'm now defined by His standards & my identity is now found in Him. In His eyes, I am blameless (no matter my past and current mistakes), I am qualified (no matter the approval of people or the qualifications for success that the world defines), I am worthy & valued (because He died for me), I am Loved (& there will be no greater love than His), and I belong to Him. He expressed that because I am a daughter of Christ, I will lack no good thing, that he is my provider, and I can trust that He will remain faithful. He showed me that through the acceptance of His Grace, I will always be made perfect in His sight.  

 

Through the struggle, He reminded me of the difficulty of this walk. God never promised that this would be easy... but he did promise that it would be worth it & that He'll be right by my side all the way till the finish! That's when the light bulb went off! The temporal things I had worked so hard to obtain out of fear were meaningless, and far from what God deemed as "successful" It was deep! I had finally saw myself the way Christ does, my identity had been removed from "things & titles" to "wow... the one who created me thinks I'm awesome, He wants to prosper me & has the plan already set for me to do so!"    

 

COMPLETE FREEDOM  

 

My perspective on life began to change. I viewed the world entirely different. Things I once had the desire for were suddenly stripped for me. Whenever I sinned I felt deeply remorseful about it and asked forgiveness immediately. I no longer entertained the same conversations, the same people, the same hobbies, or even the same places. Most of all, I began applying the knowledge of the Word and the sermons I'd hear every Sunday. I joined a small group at church and surrounded myself with like minded individuals. I prayed multiple times a day... and not because I "had" to but, because I wanted to... it was like second nature. I began to grow less fearful about my future, about my finances, about my relationships, my career and just my life in general. I had even let go of past hurt, and my old routines, I started to have this love for people so great! I was becoming more giving and more forgiving & I wanted to share with them my experiences. I felt so free! 

 

CLARITY  

  

The more I read God's Word, the more I prayed, & the more intentional I began to be about my relationship with the Father, sparked so much transformation. My mind was renewed and my heart toward others was slowly but drastically changing. It was like seeing the world in color for the first time. It certainly was not an overnight process, I'm actually progressing everyday! But I have began to gain the understanding that My life is actually opposite of the former statement, it's not MINE at all nor is this life I've been given all about me... instead it plays a part in the lives of so many others.  

 

Life is so much more than going to college to get the dream job, then marrying the dream man, having kids, making lots of money to by lots of meaningless stuff, retiring rich, traveling the world and then dying old and happy. There is so much more! In Christ there is no YOLO (you only live once), in Christ you actually gain the gift of eternal life, so the things of this world are in no comparison to what's to come.  

  

God exposed me to the importance of purpose... how I can operate in it daily, and how He's all wrapped up in it! My connection and submission to Him & his Word guarantees that I'll arrive at each destination of my life at the appointed time. That He's the one in control, not me! & whenever I choose to take control He'll let me do just that, but with that comes the promise of disaster and or a life & purpose unfulfilled. Once again He never promised that the path would always be clear, but that I can trust that He is leading me to a life of abundance. 

 

NEW FEAR  

 

I've come to understand what it means to "Fear" the Lord. It's not what people think...God's not some mean guy in the sky checking off all your wrongs and rights, itching to strike you down with punishments! God doesn't want you to fear him in the way we think of fear, Instead He's a God that desires for you to reverence Him, to respect Him as though you treat someone you're truly in relationship with, but that starts with knowing & accepting Him first.   

 

WE are the ones that make getting to know God difficult, we don't like to accept that we actually don’t know what's best for us and when things get a little difficult or aren't provided on our timeline we question God's ability to follow through or His love for us. This journey has been interesting to say the least. My transformations did not happen overnight and whenever I think I've reached a point of infinite wisdom and an understanding of who God is, he releases so much more. That’s the beauty of the journey, each day your evolving into who you've been called to be... not who you planned. I look forward to expounding on my experiences and I hope that it brings you understanding and strengthens your relationship with the Father. It is not my duty to convert you, but only to speak the truth & spread the Gospel of Christ through love.... 

 

   Grace & Peace Be With You, 

Kaneisha R. King