I Confess: Sometimes I Lose Hope

At this present moment, I feel frustrated. I know I am exactly where God needs me to be, but at the same time, I can't seem to hold on to the hope of the greater things promised to come. Some days I'm full of faith and others I feel numb to the point of utter despair. I can't seem to get over the fact that my current situation, emotions, and thoughts are all temporary, that I'm more than a conqueror through Jesus and that God is truly FOR me and not AGAINST me. I somehow seem to find myself back in a funk after a few days of faith. "Will I ever land The Job? Will I ever experience True Love? Or have the family I've always dreamed of? What about this whole thing about my "purpose" and my "calling"? Am I even close to figuring it out?

I feel so stuck! It's like I'm walking through a tunnel and as I look back, I notice that my past, is soooo far away that it's completely out of focus. And at the other end wayyyyy in front of me, I can see what seems to be a light in the distance. I feel like I've been walking for what seems like forever through this tunnel, and no matter how much ground I cover, the light in the distance still seems faint. I know my Word says to trust you Lord, that you'll never leave me nor forsake me. I know this to be true because for some reason I've been able to keep on walking.

I see your provision, even though its not in the framework I've imagined. I recognize your faithfulness even though I've yet to receive the answers to my prayers. But some days, days like these, seem like too much to bear.

Do you see me? Can you feel what I feel in this moment? Do you hear me?

Why can’t I seem to leave my burdens at your feet? Where is my rest? How much longer must I wait? How many more twists and turns should I expect? Sleepless nights? Tears? How many more lessons, and moments of character building?

Lord....Dad...where are you?...Your promise of life more abundant?

On days like today, I wish I could just come to my heavenly home...RELAX not talking suicide here, but I longingly yearn for the day in scriptures when you mention wiping away my tears forever. The day where nothing needs to be figured out because it's FINISHED and I'm home.

I truly want to be all you've created me to be. I understand that the easy route is not apart of your plan and your navigation tool is powered by my faith. But I'm losing my grip on hope. I just can't see it. How I'll make it through this season that is....The light at the end of the tunnel is to faint....And there is darkness all around me... .

Why can't I receive the revelation of what your trying to teach me? (I.e. your ways are not my ways and your thoughts are higher. You are my provider, and so on.) Why does my heart comprehend the beauty to your methods but my brain can't seem to align? I KNOW you died for me so it only makes sense that you'll take care of all my needs. Please help me to hold on and stand firm! Guide me through this tunnel step-by-step until I come out on the other side.

Your daughter in Christ.

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If you're feeling how I felt this day, start making time with God a priority. I know it may be difficult to pray, but you have to submerge yourself with His presence. Don't stop going to church, don't stop worshiping, don't isolate yourself from your small group or those with wise counsel. The enemy wants you to stay hidden so you can wallow in your sorrows. But You Are Victorious! Continue to ask God for guidance, renew your mind with His word daily, and speak life over your situation!

A few weeks after this post, God sent someone to prophesy to me. They said, "when I looked at you, I saw the word 'Hope' behind a candle without a flame. God wanted me to tell you that He has re-lit your flame. He gave me an image of Him placing it inside an oil lantern to symbolize how your hope will be sustained no matter what comes your way. Nothing will be able to blow out your flame of hope."

Meditate on These Scriptures: Galatians 6:9; Isaiah 40:31;Romans 5:2-5;1 Thessalonians 5:24

Grace & Peace Be With You

-Kaneisha